Life As We Speak

This is me quitting.

I have a headache, I have eaten so much today, I’m angry, and I still want one.

I just have to get past the first 3 days, everyone says those are the hardest.

Dear god,

Help me.

I attempted something I never thought I would do before. 4 years ago today, I took a bottle of pills in hopes that I would never wake up again. And after taking them all, I recieved a phone call from an angel. She told me that she loved me and that she needed me, and she told me how great I was. And she had no idea what I had just done, she just knew I was upset. We said goodbye and hung up, and I layed down. I fell asleep. Hours later I woke up and my body was numb, but I could feel my stomach turning. I opened my eyes and all of the words I heard before I fell asleep from that angel went through my head. I couldn’t let her down, and I couldn’t let myself down. I crawled my way to my parents room, knocked on the door and layed there on the cold floor until they answered, then I told them. After that things started to blur. I can remember sitting in my living room looking up at a fire fighter and him asking me things that I can’t remember. Then I remember sitting in the ambulance, and the EMT holding my hand and asking me about the cuts I had. But the worst memories aren’t until I reached the hospital. The doctor came in and I remember hearing him say that the charts couldn’t read how many pills were in my system, because I had taken so many. And then, the thing I will never forget, and I can remember this as clear as today, I look out of the room from my hosptial bed, and I see my little sisters face, mortified. She was pale white with tears streaming down her face, squeezing her blanket, just staring at me. That broke my heart. One of my jobs in life is to protect my baby sister, and I caused her all that pain.

That must be the most selfish thing I have ever done. But, I don’t regret it completely. It really gave me a new meaning to my life, and helped me find all of my strength.

If I would have gone that night, I wouldn’t have experienced all the things I have in the last 4 years. I wouldn’t have spent countless hours with amazing people, gone out and laughed til I cried, graduated, moved with my best friend, met the people I know now. I’m happy I made it through to see another day, and to live a long happy life.

It’s not the anniversary of ”the day I tried to kill myself” It’s the anniversary of “the day that made me realize life is worth it”.”

shit blows.

I don’t think anyone should put my down with the choices I have made in my life. Every one of those choices has made me who I am today. And who I am today, I believe, is a strong women who doesn’t let anything get in her way. I moved out only months after turning 18, and I didn’t just move down the street..I moved 2,000 miles away of every familar place and face I knew. My best friend and I took it upon ourselfs to be completely independent and support ourselves. I go to school FULL TIME, and i work FULL TIME. My current life is not easy, but I’m doing a lot more then people twice my age are doing, and I’m even doing better (stability wise) then them. So before you decide to question my resonsibilty and think that I’m not going anywhere with my life, think about all of that. I know I’m going to reach every one of my goals no matter what it takes. And you can either be with me on that, or don’t bother picking at everything I do, past or present. I am capable of doing anything, and I have proven that, to myself and others, very well.